Vun’s Corner, A Khristmas Kolumn, 01/12/05
Vun Kleinlin, the world’s most famous celebrity ghost, brings you Tinseltown’s latest gossip!
What do you get with a drunken sailor?*
Seasons grievings faithful followers!
Tis the season! Which one, you ask? Tis the winter of my discontent, labies and gentlemen! Oh Robert Frost, what words of sadness and weepful sorrow have you heaped upon my sleepy heart? I guess we’ll never know for you are dead, and The Magician responsible for reincarnations and circumcisions is out of town for Passover. Cut off a hunk of bris-ket for me, Chappy!
There is death on the horizon.
In the very special Christmas episode of Quantum Leap, which I am watching right now, Sam leaps into the body of an embittered coal miner, whose coal is used to line the stockings of all the children in the United States. This is during the gas crisis of 1814 by the way. So, all the American kids, Santa put them on the naughty list because of their involvement in The Grand Transfiguration. You see, back in 1813, during the War of 1812, to keep the kids safe, they were all sent to caves in the middle of Oklahoma. This was when the comet was heading towards the Earth, and President Morgan Freeman made everyone draw lots, and all the kids won. So, anyway, while in the cave, the kids found the Gem of Cyttorak, and using it they became The Juggernaut, a criminal from Marvel Comics’ The Uncanny X-Men which they read about when Dave Cockrum drew it. So, they can’t be stopped, and using their power, wait where was I?
So, anyway, Sam leaps into The Juggernaut’s body, and this is during Christmas, right? So, I invited him to my annual Hollywood party. See, I have this party every year in which I invite as many celebrities as will come, and then I use whatever foibles and faux pas that occur as fodder for my stand-up act. Isn’t life funny? Who’s that over there? Why it’s the second most famous celebrity ghost (and B-list star) Gravis Cloves. Can you believe he’s eating those jars of jams? And that gentlewoman? Andrew Jackson’s niece, and what she lacks in virulent racism, she more than makes up for in boobs. And now Shaggy’s laying down da riddums!
This is the worst fucking party I have ever been to.
When did the holidays turn into this? Cynical jelly-filled days for me to rape and leave on the side of the road in a shallow ditch filled with bees? When did William Shatner’s Tek Wars get made into a mini-series? Never? Get my agent on the line immediately. What? He’s busy? And I’m just screaming to myself in an empty room anyway while my sad little party screeches to a halt around me like a Palestinian being shot in the back of the skull by Execution Style, the King of Murders? Et tu, party?
Well, time to end my column with a callback, like every other fucking asshole in the history of jestery.