Wrestling Team

Vun Kleinlin, the world’s most famous celebrity ghost, brings you Tinseltown’s latest gossip!

What are you bringing to the pot luck?*

Favorite nephew,

I have light-fantastic news that will be a trip! The shitty editors of the vulnerable humor rag The Onion have asked your Uncle Steven to write an edition of their column “What Is Funny?” And while I have been waiting patiently for their invitation, no one has yet contacted me! WTF, dude! However, due to my mountain debts from the creation of Mount Fuckmore (a tribute to the 7th Duke of Windsor, Mountrose Earl Fuckmore, who in 1787 was the first man to smell The Yellow Odour) and for the fact that my Cotton Factory (we make skulls) has gone under neath another factory when it was demolished by the Three Sisters, I have written it anyway in the hopes that I will retroactively be paid exactly a shells-worth of euros to be placed into my secret Swiss bank account. My bank manager, a Ms. Bristow, says that unlike my genitalia, my funds are maturing, which leaves me to wonder how she got this job in the first place, and if she’s a spy, why’d she use her real name? Where’s my scissors?

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Vun Kleinlin, the world’s most famous celebrity ghost, brings you Tinseltown’s latest gossip!

What do you get with a drunken sailor?*

Seasons grievings faithful followers!

Tis the season! Which one, you ask? Tis the winter of my discontent, labies and gentlemen! Oh Robert Frost, what words of sadness and weepful sorrow have you heaped upon my sleepy heart? I guess we’ll never know for you are dead, and The Magician responsible for reincarnations and circumcisions is out of town for Passover. Cut off a hunk of bris-ket for me, Chappy!

There is death on the horizon.

In the very special Christmas episode of Quantum Leap, which I am watching right now, Sam leaps into the body of an embittered coal miner, whose coal is used to line the stockings of all the children in the United States. This is during the gas crisis of 1814 by the way. So, all the American kids, Santa put them on the naughty list because of their involvement in The Grand Transfiguration. You see, back in 1813, during the War of 1812, to keep the kids safe, they were all sent to caves in the middle of Oklahoma. This was when the comet was heading towards the Earth, and President Morgan Freeman made everyone draw lots, and all the kids won. So, anyway, while in the cave, the kids found the Gem of Cyttorak, and using it they became The Juggernaut, a criminal from Marvel Comics’ The Uncanny X-Men which they read about when Dave Cockrum drew it. So, they can’t be stopped, and using their power, wait where was I?

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Vun Kleinlin, the world’s most famous celebrity ghost, brings you Tinseltown’s latest gossip!

I’m Vun Kleinlin, and I approve this massage.

Doll Parts,

It’s the end of an error! Yes, the ghost formerly, and also presently, known as Vun Kleinlin has departed his ghostly dimension and has moved. On up. Like Wheezy. Yes, as Isabel Sanford has died and bought my farm that I now live on, I have vowed revenge, and through my realtor will wreck my havoc upon the unsuspecting real estate market. Beware!

Where, one may ask, where are you living now? “Where where am I living now?” You forgot the hyphen, more-on! Where-Where is indeed where my hotel which I am have been staying at in is located. Where-Where was indeed where werewolves originated too, you foolish lice-like nimwits! The first werewolves were invented in 1972 in a hotel on the outskirts of town, and as far as inskirts go, they’re the latest fashion! All the ladies and ladles (small lads that dole out soup to the homeless) are wearing them, and only those in Swaziland are getting raped for it.

True story. No joke involved.

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Vun Kleinlin, the world’s most famous celebrity ghost, brings you Tinseltown’s latest gossip!

Cute and Collegiate!*

To Whom It Mayn’t Concern,

What do you get when you cross two wires, one A/C current and one D/C current?

You get Vun Kleinlin, and that’s why I am here telling you about me! And if you don’t send me the same single rose ten different times, you will never see your dignity again!

I only have 5 seconds before the bomb detonates to tell you about my latest invention!

Toiling late one night in my laboratory, I was working through the evening hours on an experiment in my private, scientific foundry. In the midst of my attempts to create a new means of obliterating Asian stereotyping, random sonic trials combining beats, looping melodies and shavings from competing pencil brands Mead and Lisa Frank gleaned an exciting new musical genre!

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Vun Kleinlin, the world’s most famous celebrity ghost, brings you Tinseltown’s latest gossip!

9 out of 10 ghosts are not Vun Kleinlin!*

Brohams and Cisterns,

What can be up? So drip open those pear-shaped ears and hear what I am all about these days…campaigning for my favorite candidate: Ralph Nader! Why would the foremost celebrity spirit lend his name in rally for Nader you tweakers may ask…why because he has a ghost of a chance! Will that joke ever entertain the masses? Sean Hannity says “STFU, n00b,” and for once I retaliate with “57FU |\|3WB”. Can death be far behind?

Anyway, as usual I am engaged in joshing about who I am engaged into voting for. The obvious choice of course in the days that terrify even a ghost like myself is the democrat Kerry although I vote with a heavy heart (70 grams per mol!) for the reason I am dead is in fact he!. Positive, folks, I was once a Vietnamese soldier, draped in black PJs and eating black PB&Js, fighting to free my homeland from the American Occupation. It was on a patrol through some circuits that were connected to TNT that Kerry found and shot me comically in the stomach and stole my gold teeth and then he used those teeth to make golden bullets which he used to slay Special Werewolves. The SWs as we called them in those days were Jewish werewolves whose special jewblood made it so that only golden bullets would kill them. That and finding out their daughter was marrying a goy. “Oy vez mir!” they’d cry if the brisket was a little overdone.

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Vun Kleinlin, the world’s most famous celebrity ghost, brings you Tinseltown’s latest gossip!

Adventure has a new name! And that name is: “Van Helsing!” In theaters soon.

To anyone that finds this bottle with the enclosed missive, please see that it reaches the editors at wrestlingteam.org and also that this first paragraph is removed for in it I reveal embarrassing facts about myself (When I was alive, I suffered from a genetic malfunction known as Kleinlin/Felter Syndrome (discovered by Dr. Vin Diesel) in which I was born as a woman with three x chromosomes, 17 dicks, and a vagina larger than my body. The doctors didn’t know which gender choice to make for me - did the fact that the penises outnumbered the vagina mean that I was male or did the enormous size of the vagina mean that I was a titan? It was quite a sticky wicket I had gotten us into with my tomfoolery, and it took all our combined powers to solve Venemore’s puzzle before the Sands of Time destroyed our universe. To this day, I’m still haunted by Holly’s screams as she sacrificed…no, I cannot continue…)

On second thought, let my editors remove the paragraph; I wouldn’t want my beloved employers to miss the delicious tidbit overtly hidden within that last sentence. Haunted! They need to know that even as I lay dying on this desert island that I can still wrap them in the swaddling clothes of baby comedy and nurse them at the fake, plastic breasts of a department store mannequin.

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Vun Kleinlin, the world’s most famous celebrity ghost, brings you Tinseltown’s latest gossip!

You Will Get Wet!*

Greetings from Buenos Aires!

Vun here, writing you from the annual meeting of the annual An Angel’s Wing charity meeting for celebrity ghosts who care. The cause? FUN! The reason? Fetal Alcohol Syndrome! Why? Stars galore! That’s right! Commence boners, star fuckers and ghosty fetishists, because simply everyone is here! Look, there’s Hanley Truss, the first, and only ghost to be nominated for Best Ghost! Maybe next year, Hanley! Oh, and there’s the temporarily displaced spirit of Julia Roberts, that up-and-coming ingenue, sunning her spectral essence on the glistening white beach!

That’s right, this year’s meeting is in Hawaii! Gosh, can you say rewarding? I swear, if there’s one thing I love more than wasting money on a charity, it’s helping others. And for a serious cause, no less! Fetal Alcohol Syndrome continues to not disappoint me on that front! Something that not a lot of people know about ol’ Vun is that the fight to make people aware, and feel bad about this affliction has been a passion of mine for four years. Some people assume it has been 9 years, but its actually been four glorious ones of those things (years?), and each one has been marked by a consistent amount of passion all throughout them. In fact, when I first agreed to write this column for my dear friends The Wrestling Team, I did so under only two conditions:

1) I be allowed to write a column for their website

2) There are no conditions!

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Vun Kleinlin, the world’s most famous celebrity ghost, brings you Tinseltown’s latest gossip!

“The Ghost With The Most!”*

Hola, Lobster pots!

A linguistic fun fact for your noodles: Did you know that “Hola” also means “goodbye” and “family?” What? Not the “Lobster pots” part, idiot. That means “shilling barrel.” How do they do it? With lobsters, I mean. I know what you’re thinking! Honestly, I do, thanks to my newly-discovered ability to read minds! It’s because of this that I know that you don’t believe me. Shirley Finleaf, of Tescatoma, Idahouri, for one, is skeptical. For two, I can read minds! Glad you saw the light, Shirl! Much like the slight ringing of a disjointed soul, reading minds is exhausting, and, like in a whirlwind of confusion, the mind reader tends to forget his manners. Which is why I couldn’t help overhearing Harley Corpal, of St. Flimsal, Huntucky, in his grief : “A brand new year? How will I keep track of the hot new entertainment trends, let alone know what they are?” Right on the money, Harl! And how will you know which ones to understand? How will we all? Harley inspired me to solve this question by giving a solution to answer it with, so I have spent the past year rubbing elbows with the stars and grasping the hands of the style setters of tomorrow! Sorry, for reasons unknown to myself and the style setters of tomorrow, all of the trends will be a year in advance. I’m not a mind reader, Harl! Therefore…

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Vun Kleinlin, the world’s most famous celebrity ghost, brings you Tinseltown’s latest gossip!

The Most Fun You’ll Have At The Movies!

Friends!

Why are we fighting? The new year has dawned viciously upon the crying sunset of 2003 and in the spirit of the zeitgeist of the times, I thought I’d do a good turn and make some New Years Revolutions. I hope they don’t make your head spin!

This year though, as opposed to all of the other years that have happened today, we face many of the same problems our ancestors faced when they too experienced the end of 2003: trouble with division, excess skin, AIDS-related laughter, and unwed crisping - and these things continue to plague our parents to this very day. 2004 is a tough year to get through/have already, and if there’s one thing I can do to alleviate our collective problems, it’s two things.

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Vun Kleinlin, the world’s most famous celebrity ghost, brings you Tinseltown’s latest gossip!

America’s Favorite* Celebrity Ghost!

Hey Jeeps!

Another week, another column (P.S. “Jeeps” is afterlife slang for “apeseed”) and I think I want to get political this time. A little political, a little preachy, and a lot fancy, so you will have to excuse a few of my more heteroclite flourishes of verbiage, and, also, in addition to that, my living room drapes. They’re totally decorated…come on in!

Anyway, it’s that time of year again: the democratic primaries! A lot of people have approached me with their mouths open saying groups of words. My answer to them is always replied: “I can’t vote, I’m dead, but if you want to know who I endorse just ask my B.E.A.S.T.” Now, B.E.A.S.T. is an acronym for a machine I created called the Candidate Evaluator and Decision Maker. I invented it out of spare parts from this machine my friend Dr. Brice Waters patented called the Candidate Evaluator and Decision Maker. After killing him accidentally by forcing him to die (with murder), I dismantled his machine and mantled it again, thusly creating my own. Yay, me!

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